sandman

So this guy goes into a bar, and save for the bartender, he's the only person there.

He's sitting there for a while, and all of a sudden, he hears a voice say, "Nice tie."

He looks around.. Nobody there. "Oh well, must be my imagination" he thinks to himself. Forgets about it, and goes about his relaxing.

Little while later, he hears the same voice, "Nice shirt."

Again, he looks around - nobody around. He starts thinking he's going crazy, but again decides to shrug it off and carry on.

A little while after that, he hears the same voice, again, "Nice jacket."

That's it, he starts freaking out. The bartender runs over and asks what's wrong.

"Well, I'm sitting here, and all of a sudden I hear this voice tell me I have a nice tie. Then later it says nice shirt, and just a minute ago, I heard it say I had a nice jacket. There's nobody around and this is getting to me!"

"Oh that... That's just the peanuts. Don't worry about it" says the bartender.

The guy looks at the bowl of peanuts, "What do you mean it's the peanuts?"

"Oh", the bartender replies, "They're complimentary"

fraay

I'm sort of embarassed to know you.. that was really sad..

Tornado

ROFL!!!

keep em coming

$500 Porsche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

Tornado

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Tornado

hee hee

silver_p5_owner

Two hunters are walking through the woods when one has an apparent heart attack and collapses to the ground. The other hunter, in shock and fearing that his friend has died hurriedly calls 911. When the operator answers he blurts out "Mam, my friend and I were walking through the woods when he suddenly collapsed and died! I don't know what to do!" The operator says "Please calm down, I'll do my best to help you through this. What I need you to do first is make sure your friend is really dead." "OK", says the hunter and after a few moments the operator hears and gunshot and then the hunter asking "OK, now what?"

Zulu

These two hunters go trekking into the woods for a long wilderness experience. After 2 weeks they start to get sick of each other. So they decide that they will both go off in different dirrections for a couple of days then meet back at the camp and hopefully the time apart will calm them both down so they can stand each other long enough to end the trip.

So a couple of days go by and they return to the camp. they are both in better moods and they start to discuss their little trips.

The first guy starts of his story:I walked a few miles away and found a deer by a stream. I followed it for a while and it eventually led me into an open field on the edge of a cliff. The view was so breathtaking I decided to set up camp there and take it all in. I have really calmed down and have found myself. What did you do?

The second guy starts his story: I had a similar experience. I found a deer by a set of train tracks. I followed the tracks however and after a couple of miles I found a woman with a gret body and we had amazing sex, she let me do anything I wanted. It was fantastic.

At this point the first guy interjects" What about head?"
The 2nd guy answers"NAH, couldn't find it."