Fortune Cookies. We get them after we eat Chinese food. We read them and add the words...in bed...after them. We may eat them, but probably not, because truth be told, they are not very good. But that doesn't matter, because they hold inside of them some of the greatest pieces of wisdom known to man.
Who needs a tasty cookie when you can take a bite out of life?
But wait a minute, hold on. Things just aren't that easy. I have a few questions regarding this Chinese custom: First of all, who the hell writes fortune cookies? Are they real Chinese people? Because if I find out that some bullshit little dork named Sheldon is holed up in a basement cranking out sayings like, "Success is in your future", I'm gonna be pissed off. I want some real mystic Chinese words in my cookie, not the musings of an out of work romance novelist.
But we can't be sure who writes them. Have you ever passed a fortune cookie factory? No, because they don't exist. So where the **** are these made?
Have you ever noticed that those cookies are so non descript? They're not hard, they're not soft, not great, not bad. I have a feeling that these cookies have been around as long as the clichés they hold inside. I think that in the early 1900's, a Chinese entrepreneur decided to make fortune cookies, and made a whole shitload of them. He kept them in his basement, then he died. Some ******* archaeologist dug them up, and thought, "****, this is a good *** idea". Now, we're stuck eating cookies from the early 1900's, and we don't even question it.
But why would we? They bring us such joy. They tell us about ourselves....uh...right. Do you even understand what the **** they're talking about half of the time? I sure as hell don't. "The world is canvas". What? Yo, i know that Chinese people always leave out words when they talk, but do they have to do it in the cookies too? Or is that just the result of Sheldon, trying to seem like an authentic Chinaman who has not yet mastered the English language? And what about those numbers on the back? They’re supposed to be lucky numbers....I smell a deal with the Lottery people.
Look, don’t get me wrong. I love Chinese food. And the cookie is essential. Just when you thought you couldn't shove any more **** into your mouth, here comes the check with the cookies on top of it. But why can't we just spice them up a little?
To start, curses in the fortunes wouldn't hurt. "Yo, stay the **** away from your ex-girlfriend today." Now that's power. I feel that statement. I wouldn't throw that one away.
Second, they need to get more personal. Imagine you open up a cookie, and it says, "Yo, dude, that girl over there...see the one with the brown hair? Her name's Denise, and she wants you. I swear." Now that's a ******* fortune.
Third, let's get rid of the cookie ****. It's nasty. If you need it to be a cookie, just put the fortune into an Oreo.
Please, Chinese people, heed my warning. "Cookie is shitty".

 

this is one of the most meaningless off topic thread EVAR... in a good way of course

btw fortune cookies are actually an AMERICAN invention (Chinese Americans that is), real Chinese people in China don't know anything about this silly little Americanized Chinese dining custom

 

The only way I eat Fortune Cookies is crumbled over ice cream. I really don't like them otherwise.

Unless of course - they are the CHOCOLATE fortune cookies - OMG them things are great.

But some real wisdom would be nice. Like who's gonna win the 4th at Aqueduct

~HH

 

I will never look at forture cookies the same way...ever again..

 

Interesting!
Try Almond Cookies next time - a bit more authentic and much more tasty.
How about:
Fortune Nookie?