Roddimus Prime

Possible spoilers (but the movie sucked so hard does it really matter)??

FADE IN: EXT. SPACE

Two NOT-QUITE-TIE-FIGHTERS fly and zoom around, the camera chasing
wildly behind them in a way that only computer generated scenes can
show. We see that they have EWAN MCGREGOR and HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN in
them.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I can hardly tell who is shooting who in this dizzying space battle
sequence!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty confusing.

EWAN MCGREGOR
No, I mean literally dizzying!
(vomits)

They fly toward CHRISTOPHER LEE'S SHIP so they can rescue SUPREME
CHANCELLOR IAN MCDIARMID.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Oh no, the hangar has shields up!

HAYDEN shoots something next to the shield and they deactivate.

EWAN MCGREGOR
The thing that powers the shield is on the outside of the ship?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it's pretty stupid. It'd be like a life support system being in a
box on someone's chest.

They land inside the ship and TAKE SOME DROIDS TO SCHOOL.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I sure am enjoying the feeling of brotherly camaraderie between us.


HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Yeah, it is nice. Seems like the sort of thing that should have been in
the last film. Oh well, at least there were scenes of me rolling around
in the grass.

They make their way toward CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCDIARMID, using the
help of R2D2, who uses his rockets to fly again, in spite of everyone
trying so hard to forget that ever happened. They find IAN.

IAN MCDIARMID
Help me! I am trapped in a comfortable chair overlooking all of the
destruction I have wrought!

Suddenly, CHRISTOPHER LEE enters.

CHRISTOPHER LEE
I have been waiting a long time for a rematch. Now, you will have to
face a stunt double with my face pasted on!

They DUEL. CHRISTOPHER LEE easily dispatches EWAN. HAYDEN fights him and
eventually KILLS him.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
Wow, that was it for Christopher Lee, huh? Seems almost pointless to
have killed Darth Maul and introduced him in the first place.

HAYDEN, EWAN, and IAN all begin to leave, but they are CAPTURED and
brought before GENERAL GREVIOUS, A ROBOTIC SKELETON.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
I will now add your lightsabers to my collection of Star Wars
memorabilia.

He places them inside a VINTAGE 1970'S STAR WARS LUNCH BOX WITH THERMOS
NO RESERVE!!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Artoo, freak the hell obnoxiously!

He DOES. This distracts everyone long enough for EWAN to get his
LIGHTSABER back. There is a short battle in which an OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW
THAT GREVIOUS IS AS BADASS AS WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE is missed.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing and wheezing)
I will run like a coward, further failing to illustrate how intimidating
my character is meant to be!

HAYDEN crashes the ship to the ground and SAVES EVERYONE. There is MILD
CELEBRATION followed by a cameo by NATALIE PORTMAN, the linchpin of
HAYDEN'S turn to the dark side.

NATALIE PORTMAN
(yawning)
Hayden, I'm pregnant.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
How can you be sure?

NATALIE PORTMAN
Because in a minute or two I'll actually be showing. Really.

We cut to HAYDEN having a nightmare about NATALIE giving birth to a
GUNGAN. NATALIE is visibly pregnant now in a single shot, the only
indicator at all that any time has passed since the previous scene.
Nothing happens for a while, and eventually HAYDEN seeks the advice of
IAN MCDIARMID.

INT. SOME WEIRD OPERA THING

IAN MCDIARMID
You seem worried about Natalie dying. Also, you're confused about being
a Jedi.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
They don't want me to **** Natalie Portman. That's insanity. Did you see
her in Closer? Holy ****.

IAN MCDIARMID
Did you know that those who embrace the Dark Side have a lot of powers
that Jedi do not? For example, they can influence that midichlorian
bullshit to create life.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Create life? Wait, are you implying that my supposed virgin birth was--

IAN MCDIARMID
And they can stop others from dying.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Stop others? Like, if someone force chokes them and they start to die
because of it hours later?

IAN MCDIARMID
Yup.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
That's distracting enough that I'll not bother following up on the other
thing you said.

Meanwhile...

EXT. KASHYYK

YODA leads an army of WOOKIEES to fight against DROIDS. The scene is
utterly superfluous and present solely to have a scene containing
WOOKIEES. It also serves to make the STAR WARS UNIVERSE seem even
smaller with more cameos by characters from the original trilogy.

CHEWBACCA
Nyaaarrrgghh.

EXT. UTAPAU

EWAN MCGREGOR finds out that GENERAL GREVIOUS is hiding on UTAPAU. He
jumps on a RIDICULOUSLY LOUD AND ANNOYING IGUANA.

IGUANA
Shriek! Shriek!

The IGUANA'S sounds are ear-piercing and awful, making the AUDIENCE
MISERABLE during any scene containing it. EWAN rides it up to GENERAL
GREVIOUS and challenges him.

EWAN MCGREGOR
I will attempt to destroy you now, without waiting for my support troops
to arrive.

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(coughing)
Are you serious? You've lost literally every single duel you've been a
part of except for the one with Darth Maul. Hayden constantly mentions
how many times he has saved you. What have you done in the entire
prequel trilogy so far to prove that you're actually a decent fighter?

EWAN MCGREGOR
Hey, I sorta beat Jango Fett. So, what's with the coughing, do droids
get colds or something?

GENERAL GREVIOUS
(wheezing)
Oh no, see, I'm a cyborg, not a droid. Check it out, I have an actual
beating heart.

EWAN shoots it and GREVIOUS'S HEAD explodes in a ball of fire.

EWAN MCGREGOR
That made sense.

INT. CORUSCANT

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN runs up to SAMUEL L. MOTHERFU C KING JACKSON

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Samuel, I rented the original Star Wars trilogy from Blockbuster. I'm
pretty sure Ian McDiarmid is a Sith Lord.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Then it's time to get medieval on some ***.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Let me come with you.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
No, go your room.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON and some OTHER JEDI go to see IAN.
Meanwhile HAYDEN stares out the window of the JEDI TEMPLE, toward
NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT. Though he says nothing, we can see that he
is conflicted, trying to decide between his commitment to the Jedi order
and his love for his wife. NATALIE, at the same time, gazes toward the
Jedi Temple, wondering what will happen to her husband.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
How pathetic is it that the best acted scene between us is the one in
which we are in separate buildings and have no lines?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON enters IAN MCDIARMID'S CHAMBER.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Ian, you're under arrest for being a manipulative motherfcuker.

IAN MCDIARMID
I got a threshold, Jedi. I got a threshold for the abuse I'll take. And
right now I'm a race car and you got me in the red. I'm just saying that
it's ******' dangerous to have a racecar in the ******' red. It could
blow.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Oh, you're gettin' ready to blow?

IAN MCDIARMID
I could blow.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Well I'm a mushroom-cloud-layin' motherfukker, motherfukker! Every time
my fingers touch my lightsaber I'm Superfly TNT. I'm the Guns of
Navarone.

Suddenly, IAN pulls out his LIGHTSABER. He moves toward the JEDI, pulls
his arm back, aims at a Jedi, kills him, pulls his blade out, moves
toward another, and slowly kills him too, all while SAMUEL L.
MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON twirls his lightsaber around pointlessly behind
them. Once only SAMUEL is left, they DUEL. IAN makes silly faces and is
eventually beaten. HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN arrives.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
Let me read to you from the book of Ezekiel for a--

Suddenly, IAN unleashes some force lightning on SAMUEL, which he absorbs
into his lightsaber and somehow pushes back onto IAN, which causes him
to grow old, apprently.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you really can absorb force lightning with a lightsaber. Someone
really, really needs to tell Luke that. Anyway, Ian, I think Samuel is
about to rip you a new one, mind telling how to save Natalie real quick?

SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
**** that, I'm killing this geezer now.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You can't. He must stand trial. Killing him now would be.. er, well it
would be exactly the same as when I killed Christoper Lee in the
beginning of the movie.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERF U C KING JACKSON
You're actually right, but I'm going to kill him anyway.

HAYDEN stops him and IAN throws him out the window, a fall which no
PARTIALLY ELECTROCUTED JEDI CAPABLE OF SUPER-JUMPING could possibly
survive.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
What have I done?
(pause)
I submit myself to your will, Ian.

IAN MCDIARMID
That was fast. Well, now that you have taken a single, somewhat
justifiable step toward the Dark Side, there's no turning back. Go kill
all of the Jedi in the temple, including the children.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Right, go kill the children. Got it.

IAN MCDIARMID
Well, kill everyone, not just--

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(leaving)
On my way to kill all of the children now! Whee!

He DOES. The CLONE TROOPERS kill most of the adult Jedi, while the
challenging task of murdering children can only be undertaken by the
DARK LORD OF THE SITH.

EXT. UTAPAU

IAN MCDIARMID appears in a HOLOGRAPH to one of the CLONE TROOPERS.

IAN MCDIARMID
Execute order 66.

CLONE TROOPER
Kill all shrieking CGI creatures.
(to his troops)
Alright men, shoot down the giant Iguana.

IAN MCDIARMID
Oh, and order 67.

CLONE TROOPER
Jedi, too. Got it.

They shoot at EWAN, who falls into the water.

CLONE TROOPER
He's dead. Nobody could have survived that fall. Except a Jedi, of
course.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Jesus, they've become really stupid. This movie really DOES bridge the
gap between the original trilogy and the prequel trilogy.

EXT. MYGEETO

Suddenly, all of the clone troopers turn against KI-ADI-MUNDI and shoot
him.

KI-ADI-MUNDI
Oh no, I'm being shot at less than when the Jedi had to fight all of the
droids at the end of Attack of the Clones! Somehow, they are
overpowering me, though!
(dies)

CLONE TROOPERS kill all remaining JEDI all over the galaxy. Meanwhile,
HAYDEN travels to MUSTAFAR to kill all of the separatists. JAR JAR,
sadly, is not one of them.

INT. NATALIE PORTMAN'S APARTMENT

EWAN arrives to talk to NATALIE.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Natalie, do you know where Hayden is? I just saw some security
recordings of the Jedi temple, and apparently also of Ian McDiarmid's
chamber afterwards. Or beforehand. Or an alternate universe, perhaps.
Anyway, he was killing children!

NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden? No! I refuse to entertain this notion and will dismiss your
concerns outright. Hayden would never kill children!
(pause)
Oh, wait, unless they were sandpeople. Then he would kill them. But he's
definitely not a murderer otherwise.

EWAN stows away on NATALIE'S SHIP as she FLIES to MUSTAFAR.

EXT. MUSTAFAR

NATALIE'S SHIP lands and she runs to HAYDEN.

NATALIE PORTMAN
Hayden! I heard you've gone toward the dark side! It's not true, is it?
Why are your eyes all red?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(furrowing his brow)
You brought Ewan, didn't you? To actually act well and make me look
wooden and awful!

NATALIE PORTMAN
Of course not! I'm even worse than you in this movie, why would I bring
someone capable of acting well here?

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
(comically)
Liar!

He chokes her.

NATALIE PORTMAN
(collapsing)
Urk!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Oh baby, I'm sorry. I only force choke you because I love you. Come back
to me baby.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Hayden! I know you're not really evil - you try to look evil by
glowering everywhere, but you really just wind up looking confused all
the time! Come back to the Jedi order!

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
From my point of view, the Jedi are stupid! I mean, really stupid! They
didn't know I was married to Natalie, which Ian figured out in seconds.
They didn't know Ian was a Sith. They asked me to get close to him,
knowing full well I am confused
and that he's manipulative. God, the assassin from Attack of the Clones
allegedly couldn't be sent by Christopher Lee because "it's not in his
character." Face it, it's a miracle the Jedi survived this long.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Anti-Jedite!

They DUEL. Then they DUEL some more. Afterwards, they do some more
DUELLING. Then there's another DUEL, a little DUELLING, and finally a
DUEL.

EWAN MCGREGOR
It's over, Hayden. If you jump over to me, I will cut your **** off.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
You underestimate my power to decide not to jump to the low ground in
front of you where I will be able to safely continue duelling, but to
instead try to jump all the way over you and get my **** cut off!

He JUMPS and gets SLICED AND DICED. Then COMPLETELY BURNED.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Mother####er!

EWAN MCGREGOR
I'm leaving, Hayden! Even though you are writhing in agony, I won't do
the humane thing and put you out of your misery. You're the dick,
though.

He leaves. IAN arrives shortly after.

IAN MCDIARMID
Take him back to Coruscant so we can put him in the big black life
support suit that I just so happen to have laying around for just such
an occasion.

They DO.

INT. POLIS MASSA HOSPITAL ROOM

A CGI MEDICAL DROID is delivering NATALIE'S CHILDREN. Another CGI DROID
talks to EWAN and JIMMY SMITS.

JIMMY SMITS
Jesus, not every scene needs some digital character in them. She's
giving birth, can't we leave at least a FEW frames of the film free from
CGI bullshit? Hell, Ewan chould have delivered the twins, that would be
more dramatic.

DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
More what?

MEDICAL DROID
She's dying. She has given up the will to live.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Given up the will to live? She does know she has two brand new babies to
live for, doesn't she?

NATALIE has her twins, the order of which creates a completely
unnecessary continuity error for no reason other than the fact that
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS must really enjoy watching his obsessive fans
rationalize obvious flaws. She DIES.

INT. ALDERAAN CRUISER

YODA, EWAN, and JIMMY discuss what to do with A NEW HOPE.

JIMMY SMITS
I will take the girl. Hey Ewan, if you know about Leia, how come you
refer to Luke as your last hope in Empire Strikes Back?

EWAN MCGREGOR
I know about Leia, but Alec Guiness doesn't.

YODA
Oh, that reminds me! Speaking of justifying obvious dialogue blunders
created by the fact that George Lucas didn't actually have all six films
firmly in his mind when he was making any given one, I need to train you
how to be a force ghost so you can explain to Luke how Vader killed his
father.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Where should we keep him in the mean time?

YODA
Take him to his family on Tatooine.

EWAN MCGREGOR
Wait, really? You mean, to hide him from Hayden and Ian, we're going to
allow him to keep the last name Skywalker, bring him to Hayden's birth
planet, and put him in the care of his actual relatives? It would take
like an hour of research to track him down if the Empire wanted him.

YODA
Well, go watch over him from really far away to make sure he's safe.

INT. CORUSCANT IMPERIAL REHAB CENTER

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, in full suit, is situated upright.

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Where's Natalie Portman? Suddenly I am worried about her again.

IAN MCDIARMID
It seems that in your overacting, you killed her.

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Wow, you'd think that would really make me see the error of the Dark
Side, realize the Jedi were right all along, and kill you right now. Ah
well.

IAN MCDIARMID
So, now that the movie is over, would you say that the prequel trilogy
was worth making?

DARTH HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

END

kargoboy

That is just about the funniest ******* thing I have ever read in my entire life.
Where'd you find it?

Jackelope

Sunga bicks! funny stuff.

Roddimus Prime

it was another car forum....i almost cried when I saw it.

cornercarve98

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLL. That was awesome! I liked the movie a fair amount, but it's always a blast to hear some haters just twist the thing around. Good find.

Roddimus Prime

if you're just looking for a mindless waste of time or sci-fi film I guess this will do it. The acting was WEAKSAUCE, the fights were very unimpressive and 90% computer generated, there were NO secrets revealed, no plot twists, nothing to keep the movie interesting. Also....the LAME wookie tie-in was one of the worst segways I've ever seen. it was as-if Lucas had 2 hours with whcich to fill in as many plot holes as possible and still manage to tie in all of the various creatures from the rest of the films.

I could've written that movie in 30 minutes. Why didn't I? Because I had to take a crap instead.

Anarchistchiken

Hahaha, I actaully am crying. And my throat hurts, so now it hurts even more. Bastard.

I totally agree, btw. Lucas is straight up bullshiting when he says he had all 6 movies thought out beforehand. There are waaaay to many incositincies (I slaughtered that spelling) between the events of this movie and the events of the originals. Plus the acting was **** almost across the board, the fight scenes were absolutely horrible, and most of the movie was like a CG nightmare. I mean every single scene had CG background, CG droids, CG extras. It really took a lot away form the film I think.

I would also like to know how Obi-wan just forgot all about Leia in the future, and why Chewbacca was in the prequil!! Let me get this straight, in episode 3, Chewwy is one of the 2 leaders of the entire Kashyyk military, and in episode 4, he's slinking around some rat hole pub on a backwater planet as 2nd in command on a smugglers ship? All 3 prequils are a huge dissapointment.


*edited to poke fun at Miller's spelling!! hahahaha*

Anarchistchiken

Haters? Oh, you must mean people like me who are fans of the original and actaully appreciate good filmmaking as opposed to the money-grab that these prequils have been. Get a clue dude, we're not haters, we're just sad and dissapointed, and a little angry, at what a mockery this has all become.

kargoboy

*edited to poke fun at Miller's spelling!! hahahaha* (Matty, I assume)

Yet from Matty's previous post: segways. Should be segues.

The Royal Spellchecker pwnz all. (Or is that 'owns'?)

Tranquilized

That's some funny stuff. Here's one of my favorite Episode 3 rants:

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse....cgi?u=episode3

Roddimus Prime

BWAHAHAHA!!! oh man....i think the second one may have been funnier thanks to the inclusion of the pictures!!

Anarchistchiken

Maddox is the best.

Jackelope

dang this firewall.