hihoslva

"I know she was just a prostitute, but she had the prettiest face I ever came across" - George Carlin.

And now some FAT and DUMB and POOR mama jokes:

Your mama is so fat, the waistband of her BVD's spell Boulevard.

Your mama is so dumb, takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Your mama is so poor, she went to MacDonalds and put a shake on layaway.

Sorry if these are really old. Here's one you might not have heard before (worth reading, I swear):

Young girl is leaving for college, and her mother gives her a few words of wisdom: "If a guy tries to make a move on you, just ask 'What will we name the baby?' and that should stop him".

Off at college, and armed with her mom's advice, the girl goes on a date. The guy takes her out to dinner and a movie, then parks by the side of the river and makes his move. She says "what will we name the baby?" Guy freezes up, takes her home, never sees her again.

Next weekend, another date. This guy takes her out to a show and dinner, then parks by the side of the same river and makes his move. She says "what will we name the baby?" Guy freezes up, takes her home, never sees her again - same deal. Mom's advice is working.

Next weekend, another date. This guy takes her out to a football game and dinner, then parks by the side of the river and makes his move. She says "what will we name the baby?" This time, this guy ignores her. She repeats "what will we name the baby?" as the guy undresses them both. Again "what will we name the baby?" as the guy slips a rubber on and starts banging her. The whole time he's giving it to her she repeats over and over "what will we name the baby?" with no response.




He finishes up. One last time, she asks "what will we name the baby?". He takes off the rubber, ties it in a knot, throws it in the river, and says "If he gets out of there, we'll name him 'Houdini".

Thankyaverymuch.

SDRob

A guy walks into a bar with no money. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, "If I showed you something you've never seen before, would it be worth a drink?" Bartender says, "It depends on what it is."
So the guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out a small piano and sets it on the bar. Then he pulls out a tiny bench seat and sets it on the bar. Last he pulls out a tiny 1 ft. tall man and sets him on the bar, who promptly sits down at the piano and starts playing. Bartender is amazed. "Holy ****, hell yeah that's worth a drink!" As the bartender is getting him his drink he asks man how he got the man and piano. Guys says" Well I was walking along one day and came upon this lamp on the ground. So I picked it up, rubbed it, made a wish and *Boom* this is what I got."
The bartender is quite curious now and tells the guy, "If you let me make a wish with that lamp I'll let ya drink fer free all night." The guy agrees, so he hands the bartender the lamp. Bartender says, "I wish for a million bucks." *Boom*, the bar is full of a million ducks. Bartender says, "What the **** is this? I wished for a million bucks and I got a million ducks here!" The guy answers back, "You think I wished for a 12" pianist?

Mp3Angel

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you have wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and
asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or
maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet
voice: "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit ."